100 Things That Suck

[DDTM Admin]

This has been a labor of love for me over the pas several weeks. Whenever I'm bored at work and not wasting my time on the site, I pull out my blackberry and type in a few things that suck. For a while I got stuck and was going to post the list at something like 75 things that suck, but eventually I rallied and finished it out. Listed in no particular order for your enjoyment:

1. Stepping on cold wood floors right after getting out of bed.
2. Trying to blame a fart on the dog/kids and getting caught because your wife "recognizes your smell."
3. Jar Jar Binks
4. Shitting your pants while puking
5. Anal leakage
6. Fox News
7. People who cause security alerts because they walk through the line in the wrong direction at the airport.
8. Feeling bad for making jokes about the "Balloon Boy" only to find out that it was a hoax and you wasted perfectly good guilt on that shit.
9. Paying more to go see a movie than it would cost you to buy the damn thing on dvd.
10. Shocking the shit out of yourself because you were inattentive while trying to plug something in.
11. Having a lit cigarette fall into your pants pocket.
12. People crawling in the bathroom window and surprising you while you're taking a crap.
13. Going to the dentist with a migraine and having to stare at that bright freakin light for an hour and a half.
14. Prop Comedy
15. Colonoscopies
16. $5 hookers (see what I did there?)
17. Water Chestnuts
18. Pissing yourself during a sneeze.
19. Pissing yourself because you had a dream that you were pissing.
20. Getting pissed on while changing a diaper.
21. Hiding drunk in the bathroom with the keg while your friends convince the cops that, "There's no party here, officers."
22. Strange (large) dogs that climb into your vehicle and refuse to get out again.
23. Being stupid enough to get a strange dog stuck in your vehicle in the first place.
24. Having a moth fly into your ear and get lodged against your ear drum.
25. Eating something bad and getting food poisoning.
26. Having food poisoning.
27. Poison Ivy
28. Termites
29. Freezing your ass off smoking outside in winter because you're a dumbshit who's addicted to cigarettes.
30. Falling out of bed.
31. ASPCA and Humane Society commercials
32. Pretending you're not home when Jehova's witnesses come by and then having to go help them when they leave because they got stuck in the snow. Aaaawkward.
33. Shutting your finger in the dishwasher
34. Getting blackout drunk in a strange apartment in a strange town and waking up laying on the toilet bowl rim convinced you're in the bathroom at a fast food restaraunt.
35. Accidentally eating something that has mushrooms in it
36. Listening to idiots and doomsayers talking about the dangers of the LHC.
37. Finding out that the idiots and doomsayers were right and dying a bizzare and horrifying death.
38. Listening to people talking about sports.
39. Secretly wishing you knew and cared enough about sports to join those conversations.
40. Waking up with crusty eyes
41. STDs
42. The knowledge that 42 is NOT the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
43. Good authors dying while shitty ones live on. ( R.I.P. Douglas Adams, Robert Jordan, and David Eddings. Fuck you, Twilight guy/lady.)
44. Vampires that sparkle in the sun.
45. Watching the cartoons you watched as a kid and realizing that they sucked and that you can't go back again.
46. Prince (I mean seriously, wtf?)
47. Wet dog smell
48. Poopin' in public restrooms. Why is the TP always so thin and rough? WHY?!?
49. Reality television
50. Eating jalepeno pizza with hot sauce and the subsequent liquid fire shit that follows.
51. Being the only sober person in a room full of drunk assholes.
52. Seeing people from high school in public who were perfectly nice to you then but now they ignore you.
53. Thinking of a good comeback the day after it would have done you any good.
54. Finding out aliens are real and then finding out that they're assholes just like the people on Earth are already.
55. Choking on something you didn't want to eat in the first place.
56. E! News
57. Underage girls who look of age
58. To Catch a Predator
59. Actually catching a Predator. Crab faced motherfuckers.
60. Fake mustaches that don't look real
61. Being tired at work
62. Getting caught sleeping because you're tired at work
63. Toothpicks
64. Clandestine meetings of nefarious individuals
65. Getting caught in your zipper
66. Finding out (too late) that shooting at road signs will get you thrown in jail and then your parents have to come bail you out.
67. Trying to plug in something behind your bed and putting your finger in the socket instead.
68. Forgetting "the rules" and accidentally looking over at the guy at the urinal next to yours.
69. Having the guy from #68 smile at you and ask for your number.
70. Sears customer service
71. The fact that cops don't carry swords
72. People muting the television during commercials
73. Did I mention Jar Jar Binks yet? I did? Too bad. Jar Jar Binks.
74. The fact that Seinfeld is still in syndication. A tv show about nothing that just won't fade away? What's the deal with that?!?
75. The criminal lack of new episodes of Phineas and Ferb on the Disney Channel.
76. Going swimming, being the fat guy I am, and thoroughly enjoying that weightless feeling right up until someone points out my distinct resemblance to Shamu. Way to be a buzzkill, assholes.
77. Learning that Texas Edition trucks are not immune to falling chunks of ice.
78. Faceplanting while calmly walking along and then having your 7 year old son walk up and say, "Wow, Dad! You're the first grownup I've ever seen fall down!"... that's right, kid, Daddy's makin' memories.
79. Waking up right before your alarm goes off and realizing that even though you're still tired you don't have enough time to go back to sleep.
80. Defenders who rush the Attacker's base in BFBC2. Defenders earn points by DEFENDING, morons. The "defender bonus" you get for killing an attacker near the objective isn't there for shits and giggles, asshats.
81. Structuring your multiplayer gameplay to reward camping and rambo tactics. I'm not gonna name names, so I'll just say that snowmobiles are for pussies. Y'dig?
82. While we're at it, if you name your game "X vs. Y", is it not logical to include a mode of mp where X specifically fights.... wait for it.... Y? 83. Dick wagging
84. Crossing the streams
85. "That guy" in the public restroom who insists on having a conversation while standing at the urinals.
86. Law firms that advertise on televison. The fact that a) you aren't prestigious enough to get clients by word of mouth and b) your target clientelle are the type of people who aren't bothered by this is more than enough to ensure you won't be hearing from me should a need for legal counsel arise.
87. Dogs that sit and stare at you. Don't they have some butts to sniff or some genitalia to lick? Fat people get stared at enough without the animal kingdom getting in on the act.
88. Having no refried beans when you WANT refried beans.
89. Moronic teenage pill-poppers who seem to think that it's safe just because the drugs are prescription.
90. Getting your ass examined at the doctor and realizing no joke you can make is going to make this guy laugh. He's a doctor; he's heard it all and no, he's not going to take you out to dinner afterwards.
91. Healthy cereals who cave to market pressure and add things like honey/cinnamon/clusters/etc to their formula. Hello snack status, goodbye street cred.
92. Grabbing the cookie sheet barehanded because you didn't know it only came out of the oven 3 minutes ago.
93. Falling down when there are people around to see it.
94. People who aren't joking when they say things like, "When I want your opinion I'll give it to you." Oh, so you're going to tell me that I think you're an egotistical prick? Bravo. Way to be self effacing, shit for brains.
95. Back hair
96. Being told for the billionth time that "your cigarettes stink" and "you should quit." Am I deaf? I'm pretty sure I heard you the first 999,999,999 times Cpt. Obvious.
97. The fact that shows like Chowder and The Misadventures of Flapjack aren't considered prime time material. Wake up, people! This stuff is GENIUS.
98. If you write a song wherein you say you're trying to find words to describe a girl without being disrespectful, is she really worth it if you have to work so hard to find those words? Sounds like a club slut to me.
99. Lists of 100 things that don't actually have 100 items in them. It's like a written kick to the balls, ain't it? *insert shiteating grin here*

[THE (jb) CAPE]

122. hairy goat dick in videogames

[enz0e]

i completely agree with ya rune on #97 that shit is great!

[PureDrumFury]

Thanks for the laugh, Rune. Needed that this morning.

Of course, that laugh is mostly at your expense, I guess. :D

[THE (jb) CAPE]

121. people who like nickelback

[THE (jb) CAPE]

119. nickelback

[RED RING]

117. Top 100 lists that go up to and beyond 117 listings.

[DDTM Admin]

116. People who have to make individual posts for each addition to the list instead of grouping it all together in a single post like a sane person would.

[FatherWiggles]

114 realizing your fat and doing nothing about it. (i've tried and failed)

[FatherWiggles]

113. awkwardness of Getting steak and eggs from a girls grandma the morning after you banged her grand daughter.

[FatherWiggles]

112. Having morning wood when you stay over at your inlaws house.